Crossdressing Conspiracies and Incessant Surprises
by Jayrin Paige
Summary: Sometimes I look back and I wonder how the hell I managed to fit into this skirt. And then I wonder how I got into this mess ... Can I just blame Roxas? - RiSo-AU-Yaoi-Crossdressing-Swearing


_**WARNING: Crossdressing, BoyxBoy, crack, swearing, dirty innuendoes, and singing. Does it burn yet?**_

**Hey there! S'Jay again! Bringing you a random story of the utmost unimportance that has crossdressing, and hot brunets, blonds, and redheads! And a supposed silveret.. But we all know it's gray. Riku lies to you. It's GRAY. -brick'd- **

**DISCLAIMER: My attempt at stealing Kingdom Hearts and it's characters failed. As it turns out… Squeenix has a moat. -picking out sharkteeth from sides with towel wrapped over hair- And sharks. Oh yeah, I got **_**real **_**friendly with them.**

!---!---!---!---!

If a random stranger with brown hair, blue eyes, six inch heels and revealing clothing walks up to you and screams, "What the fuck is wrong with my life?!"

….

Don't panic. I won't rape you, and no- I'm not going to commit suicide off a thirty-foot building.

And although, being an eighteen year old boy in drag _does _make it tempting… it's just me going insane.

Kay'thanks.

-------

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck happened.

"_Used to tell me I was silly-"_

Stilettos, makeup, and _drag?! _

"_Hot! Hot! Hot!-"_

And to top it all off-

_Dancing. _

-Well, that and shaving my legs, but that's another, more terrifying story.

-

It think it started when Roxas took me shoe shopping.

_No. _

I was not crossdressing or anything flamboyant like that. Yet. _Dammit._

Apparently, Roxas didn't like my shoes. He said something about them being overly huge and yellow. (Well I happened to _like _my yellow shoes, mr. glow-in-the-dark-buzzlightyear-shoes! Oh yeah Roxas. I know what you have in your basement.)

Okay, maybe there was a bit more, but I would prefer not to go into such levels of profanity. (That and I didn't know what half the things he said meant, but no one needs to know that. Right?)

One thing led to another, and Roxas ended up taking me shoe shopping or footwear salvaging, as I liked to call it, since my blond twin has a fetish for thrift stores.

Yeah, you heard me. _Fetish. _(Take that, Roxas! Nyahaha!)

There was this one small store on the corner of South Destiny and Charleston (which was walking distance to the red light district. Sometimes I wonder about my brother's morals. Oh! The temptations of being near strip clubs and Hooters. Although, they do make delicious burgers.) that he absolutely _loved. _I mean, if Roxas could freaking _marry _a store- he would take it to dinner and propose to it in front of millions- no _billions _of people, and then invite those _billions _of people to his wedding that would take place on a small island in the Caribbeans, and people would have to watch from _boats _on account of the island being too. Damn. Small.

Okay, maybe I'm trailing off here.

So anyhoo's, we travelled to this "fetish/mistress" of Roxas', and the moment we walked in- he disappeared in a flash of blond.

Jerk. I pouted.

I am doubting the reasoning that we are at this store for _me. _

Well, it was Roxas. And even though I'm the one that's usually hyper and easily lost… he had his stereotypical blond moments. (Not that I should be talking, considering our mom always bugged us about how she thinks we switched haircolors at birth. I am _not _that easily distracte- oh my god. There's lint on my shoe!)

(Erm.. You saw nothing… Moving on.)

I would have looked for him, but Roxas dry-humping his precious store is something I do _not _want to see. Now or ever.

Or maybe he was just looking at the band tee's..?

Nah! No one could love shirts _that _much! I think.

-

I walked for about five minutes (which included me tripping over things I didn't pay attention too, and almost strangling myself with a scarf.) before finding some boxes that slightly resembled shoe boxes, I reached for the closest one and opened it.(But _hey! _I swear that scarf was out to get me. It's probably still at the store, hiding somewhere.. Lurking.. Waiting for me to walk by so it could pounce on me and eat my splee-) -What the heck?

_Seashells? _There were freaking _seashells _in this freaking shoebox. What the hell? It's a shoebox with seashells in it! I slapped myself, (while probably looking insane to anyone around me, but not that there was, at that point.) and mentally chatised myself for getting so hung up over a box (_shoe_box might I add.) that contained seashells.

I stared at the box for a good minute or so, wondering why, just _why _it contained seashells, before moving to the next box.

Moving to the next box, I gingerly lifted the lid.. And smiley face erasers galore.

You know, those cheapo erasers in the shape of a circle with a ': )' on them? Or the Wal-Mart logo!

While I mused about the mascots of various stores, and strssed over the ridiculousity of shoeboxes anything other than shoes, I didn't hear someone walk up behind me.

"Roxy! You dyed your hair!" And then something _attacked _me from behind.

"But don't worry, I know that ass of yours anywhere!"

InvasionofpersonalspaceInvasionofpersonalspaceInvasionofpersonalspaceInvasionofpersonalspace

"What the?!" I nearly screamed, flailing my arms like no tomorrow, yet unable to free myself from the invaders of personal space called _arms._

(On another note, is this what fangirls call "glomping"?)

"Axel! What the hell are you doing?!" If that was my brother, then his voice raises an octave when he's pissed. Just an observation. (Tee-hee)

"What?!" The man called Axel skeptically asked, and let me go. I turned to stare at the man like he was insane.. When I realized..

He _was _insane. Axel had a mane of fiery red hair, and I mean like freaking _firetruck _red, with these acidic green eyes that just _had _to be contacts, because I doubt that is physically possible to have eyes like _that. _

And he had tattoos shaped like tears under his eyes. F_uckin' insane._

"Oh my _god!" _the lanky redhead grinned pervertedly, "Santa must have come early this year." He put one hand to his mouth in a childish motion.

I blushed something fierce, while Roxas rolled his eyes and hit the redhead violently with a rolled up newspaper that magically appeared out of nowhere.

"Bad dog. Sit. Staaay." My brother tried keeping a straight face, but I could tell by the look in his eyes he was trying not to laugh. (Like a sadistic, masochistic, insane madman, might I add.)

"Ow! Roxy! So cruel! I work day after day in this place, don't ruin my fun at attempted molestation to new customers!"

I let out an indignant squeak, "What!?"

_Me?!_ Molest?!(possible rape?!) Do. Not. WANT!

Roxas hit him again and looked at me apologetically, "Sorry So', Axel's been a pervert-"

Said-redhead crossed his arms and mock pouted.

"-Ever since I met him."

At this point, Roxas chimed in with a smartassicle, 'Long before that Rocks-ass!" to which my twin began hitting the laughing man repeatedly. And it looked painful, I tells ya.

I laughed awkwardly, the scene playing out in front me strange and amusing at the same time, "Ookay?"

I feel as if I have learned one too many things today. For one, Roxas still has his thirft store fetish, and now I learn he can conjure up random newspapers. Scary thoughts. I shivered slightly.

But wait.. What is this? Roxas and Axel were talking back and forth, the redhead saying something perverted, while my twin rolled his eyes. Waait.. Look closer.. Was Roxas playing with his hands? Pulling his belt loop? He always used to do that around this girl he had a crush on, Namine, in eigth grade! Roxas only does that when he's nervohmygod my brother is buttfucking a redhead in the backroom of a thirftstore. Ohmygodohmygod. (You'd wonder how I get to conclusions like this. Simple! My mind wanders.)

"Oh my god Roxas, you're screwing a guy at the thriftstore." I stared, and he stared back at me for a second before paling. Axel simply burst out laughing, and slung his arms around me and Roxas.

"What goes on in the backroom, stays in the backroom." his lips curling up in a cheshire-like smile, and green eyes glinting. Oh, it _screamed _pedo-alert.

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**I do not own Wal-Mart, or any other culturelike references in this story. Just thought I'd mention that.**

**The real plot will come eventually. This is just me opening the story up. -heartheart-**

**By the way, I'll dedicate next chapter to whoever can guess what song I used in the beginning. -cackles-**


End file.
